I don't know how many of you got to see, but yesterday i posted a blog about some inner turmoil i have been having lately. Not to go Class A emo, but it's the struggle over if i actually have feelings for this one girl or if i just think i do.. Not surprisingly, same girl from my Valentine's Day Hijinks post. Literally within 45 minutes of posting that, she texts me and asks what my blog is called. Creep.... So i ultimately decided to stall, delete the post, and let her take a look without (hopefully) compromising anything. You may wonder why I would re-post, but i highly doubt she would return here, it was probably just to read the Valentine's Day one. Anyways, I'd like input from total, objective strangers so i am going to type something like it up again. If you will only read one of my posts in it's entirety, please let it be this one.
Lately i have been having some stomach aches due to potential unrequited infatuation... The kind where you realize the reality you hope for just isn't in the cards. I use the word potential because i am not sure if i truly like this girl though, i fear i may have romanticized things in my head a bit (or more, as i have done). We briefly saw each other a few weeks ago, and after we parted ways she sent me a text that said "not gonna lie, you got kinda hot since i last saw you", I dont hear things like that often, and it takes some cajones to just say that, so it felt good. Damn good. Especially from her. i kept up some sort of texting relationship, and thats where things got tricky for me. Shes a kick ass girl, great qualities, the works, so i start asking myself, "do you think you're crushing on her?" Part of me says "yes, why wouldn't you be? you have high standards, and she exceeds them" while another is a bit more skeptical, "Are you sure its not just a by-proxy attraction, or an attraction to only the idea?" I am conflicted with how to figure things out, because there is a bit of a, uhhhh, complicated history between her and some of the people i hang out with. The pessimist (if not the realist) in me thinks things will turn sour/awkward/just plain fucked up very fast if i were to bring the two parts together. My other fear is that things DO work out, i get what i want, and it turns out it wasn't what i was after in the first place...So for now, my hope is that i can keep things at the status quo for the time being while i screw my head on straight. Ugh the melodrama.
Thats only the half of it, folks! She has a lingering ex, comparable only to genital herpes... Disappears, but never gone for good (oozing sores included). From what i have heard, the guy is a total scumbag piece of garbage who shes "happiest when with him"... despite feeling like shit on a near weekly basis due to him, coincidentally. This is a clear example of the Douchebag Theory. For those unfamiliar, ill post an image below. Its frustrating to think about, knowing some dipshit has the girl out of your reach, (one you wonder if you even have a chance with), on a short leash, taking advantage of the fact she can't shake the romanticized delusion (noun: a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact) of him being something he is clearly not. The worst part is, she thinks she is not good enough, more or less making her desperate to prove herself to him. How do you deal with that? Somehow she tricked herself into thinking she isnt good enough for him, which is how he is able to keep her on such a short leash. Cant things not be going the way she wants because hes a piece of shit? She wants it to work with him so bad at times, that when things are objectively decent at best, she is elated; thus thinking these are her happiest moments. But then true colors shine through and she despises him, perpetuating this annoying and frustrating cycle. There are noticeable gaps in that time though; i hope to appear in them and bat my eyelashes. But as for now, Hope is the only thing i have. Well that, and a stomach ache.
Douchebag Theory explained:
if he treats me like shit.... then by getting him to like me... i have established self worth